The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, February 7, 2016!

Donald Trump finished in second place in Tuesday’s Iowa caucuses. So now when Trump calls someone a loser, they have something in common.

Ted Cruz’s campaign sent out misleading mailers designed to get supporters to attend the Iowa caucuses. The misleading part was the quotes from people saying what a likable guy Ted Cruz is.

Rand Paul has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. Rand wants to spend more time not being taken seriously by his family.

At a campaign rally in Iowa, Bernie Sanders sang with Vampire Weekend. In response, hipsters say they USED to support Bernie Sanders, but now they don’t because Vampire Weekend is way too mainstream.

A photo posted on Reddit showed Donald Trump’s star on Hollywood Boulevard spray painted with a swastika. “I can’t believe anyone would associate me with such offensive beliefs”! said a Nazi.

Many top military officials now say that women should have to register for the draft. The officials believe that women and men should have the equal opportunity to die pointlessly.

A new study says that the moon’s gravity causes a bulge in the earth. Scientists say that the only way to reduce the bulge would be for the earth to take a cold shower.

The Cleveland Browns issued a statement Tuesday that Johnny Manziel’s behavior undermines the team’s reputation. Although the rest of the Browns do a pretty good job of that every time they take the field.

Metallica streamed its pre-Super Bowl concert Saturday night for free. And after making their music available for free on the Internet, Metallica then sued themselves.

Starting this fall, NBC will broadcast five NFL games on Thursday nights. Longtime “Must See TV” viewers are hoping that at the end of the season, Tom Brady and Eli Manning FINALLY get together.

Phish has announced an upcoming summer tour. They will perform from June 22 through September 4 . . . and then they’ll move on to their second stop on the tour.

Sumner Redstone, the 92-year-old chairman of CBS, is stepping down. Which is unfortunate because he had finally reached CBS’s key demo.

Matt LeBlanc has signed on to be a co-host of the BBC show ″Top Gear″. The show will feature LeBlanc’s new catchphrase, ″How YOU Drivin’?″

George Clooney says that his proposal to his wife Amal was “horrible”. But he made up for it by being George Clooney.

CBS has announced that they are rebooting “MacGyver.” And in true MacGyver fashion, they’re making the whole new show out of an actual boot.

Charles Dickens was born on this date in 1812. Anyone who doesn’t want to celebrate Dickens’ birthday will be visited tonight by three ghosts.

Baseball coaches at Plano East High School in Texas are being accused of allowing a fight club in batting cages. Texas residents can’t believe it, since everyone in Texas knows that batting cages are meant for smoking weed and fucking.

Women have been banned from a Starbucks in Saudi Arabia after a wall separating the genders collapsed. So that’s one Starbucks branch that will sell zero pumpkin spice lattes.

A new study warns that taking antibiotics can increase your risk of STDs. Especially if you take antibiotics while not wearing a condom.

After getting a Kit Kat bar that was missing the traditional wafers, a British woman is suing the company to give her a lifetime supply. Kit Kat’s response to the woman: Give me a break!

A microbiologist warns that illnesses can spread in moist, sweaty gyms that are a breeding ground for germs. And also a breeding ground for old dudes with no sense of body shame.

Burger King is now offering an extra-long cheeseburger topped with butter sauce. The sandwich comes with triple cheese and a quadruple bypass.

And finally, Maurice White, the founder of the classic R&B band Earth, Wind & Fire, died Thursday at age 74. Even though he died in February, he’ll be buried on “the twenty-first night of September”.

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