The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 31, 2016!

Donald Trump didn’t participate in the GOP debate because he said he would be treated unfairly. “I can’t imagine” said Mexicans, Muslims, Women, and the poor.

A man is following Ted Cruz in Iowa and holding up a sign accusing him of liking Nickelback. Which makes sense, because Nickelback is the only thing fewer people like than Ted Cruz.

New England Patriots fans are questioning whether or not the coaching staff’s tablets were tampered with during the AFC Championship game. The Patriots are infuriated that someone else may have tried to cheat during a playoff game, because that’s THEIR job.

A recent study found that cocaine makes brain cells eat themselves. Even worse, cocaine also makes you work on Wall Street.

Mattel is introducing a new line of Barbies with different body types. Sadly for Ken, he still comes without a penis.

A new study has uncovered the links between personality traits and college majors. They also discovered the link between all college graduates: Unemployment.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will perform a benefit concert for Bernie Sanders. It’s all part of their plan to help Sanders get elected in 1992.

White actor Joseph Fiennes will play Michael Jackson in a British TV movie about 9/11. So the movie will feature two disasters.

Oprah Winfrey said she lost 26 pounds by using Weight Watchers. If you want to know where those pounds ended up . . . look under your seat!!!

Sarah McLachlan turned 48 on Thursday. Guests were only allowed to enter her birthday party after watching sad footage of dogs in a shelter.

Kendall Jenner admitted on her website that she never took any modeling classes. Or any other kind of classes.

Boy George, Carnie Wilson, and Snooki will be contestants on the next season of ″Celebrity Apprentice″. If they win, their prize will be to work for an actual celebrity.

Brooklyn artist Lisa Levy will sit on a toilet for ten hours as an art exhibit. The exhibit’s called “When you eat Chipotle”.

In a new art project, straight celebrities pose in photographs as part of a gay couple. Usually it’s the other way around.

A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Tanzania. The animal was immediately boycotted by Will Smith.

An article in The Atlantic this week asserted that humans are the only animals with chins. That’s because humans are the only animal with a Jay Leno.

In Alabama, a dog completed a half marathon. To be fair, the dog was just trying to leave Alabama.

AT&T shares slipped this week after revenues fell short of Wall Street estimates. Experts say the loss could’ve been avoided, if they just would have bundled it with Showtime.

The New York City MTA has banned the use of hoverboards on all subways. “THANK YOU” commented that guy on the subway masturbating to your feet.

A group of Christian mothers claims that by sponsoring the show “Lucifer” Olive Garden is glorifying Satan. Fine, we’ll go to Sizzler

The Carolina Panthers’ Ron Rivera is only the second Latino coach to lead a team to the Super Bowl. Which explains why Donald Trump’s latest campaign promise is to build a wall around Levi’s Stadium.

$160,000 worth of cheese was stolen in Wisconsin. Residents have been described as shocked, saddened, and less gassy.

And finally Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason turned 72 on Wednesday. Stoners say that when you sing him “Happy Birthday”, it syncs up perfectly to ″The Wizard of Oz″.

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