The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 25, 2015!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2015

Starring Matthew Harris (Anchor), Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Ryan Pratton (Ashton Kutcher), Paul Straw (Stoner Losing Weight), Colin Contreary (Rebecca Black’s Manager), Stacy Rumaker (Zooey Deschanel), Mitchel Baldwin (Donnie Wahlberg) and John Druska (MASH-Loving Dad)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending January 25, 2015!

While speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Bill Gates said he believe that an HIV vaccine will be available by 2030. Which means that kids in 2090 can look forward to getting infected by the disease at Disneyland.

On Thursday, SkyMall magazine filed for bankruptcy. They made the decision after consulting with their legal team, a bunch of meercat lawn ornaments.

In a new poll, most New Jersey residents said they don’t think Chris Christie would be a good president. In response, Christie said those pollsters are going to eat their words…and if there are any left over, he wants some too.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 18, 2015!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015

Starring Matthew Harris (Anchor), Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Derek Reid (Conan the Comedian), Ashleigh Hairston (University of Pikeville Spokesperson), Colin Contreary (Brian Williams), Troy Holden (Harold Diamond) and Cassandra Lee Walker (Arby’s Spokesperson)

Directed by Sean Cowhig

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending January 18, 2015!

Mitt Romney is gearing up to run for president again in 2016 and reportedly wants to make poverty a central theme of his campaign. In fact, Romney has already launched an exploratory committee to find out what poverty is.

Two anti-torture protestors were arrested last weekend for trespassing at the home of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Fortunately for the protestors, they were interrogated by the police instead of Dick Cheney.

At least 26 people have caught measles after visiting Disney theme parks in December. The people are expected to recover in a week, or in a day if they have a Fast Pass.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 11, 2015!!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, 2015

Starring Jen Cain (Anchor), Stacy Rumaker (Anchor), Brian Vestal (Mark Wahlberg), Leo Margul (Citizen of Florida), James Warfield (Samuel Adams), Lauren Miller (Lisan Goines), Mitchel Baldwin (Fox News Reporter) and Ryan Pratton (Kenneth Brandon)

Directed by Paul Straw

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending January 11, 2015!

The Congress that was sworn in this week is the most diverse in history. Starting with the Speaker of the House, who is an Orange-American.

Jerry Jones said that Chris Christie gives the Dallas Cowboys “mojo” when he attends the team’s games. Plus, they make twice as much money at the concession stands.

On Tuesday, gay marriage became legal in the state of Florida. People in Florida changed their stance on homosexuality after remembering we have a professional football team named after dolphins.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 4, 2015!!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, JANUARY 4, 2015

Starring Danny Ricker (Anchor), Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Derek Reid (Conan the Comedian), John Abbott (Steve Scalise), Troy Holden (California Health Official), Joy Regullano (”Friends” Netflix Binge Watcher), Markeia McCarty (Rutgers University Psychiatry Student), Tommy Bechtold (Dad Upset by Penis-Shaped Play-Doh Toy) and Sean Cowhig (Jim Rome)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending January 4, 2015!!!

On Thursday, we rang in the new year of 2015. So if you’re still writing 2014 on your checks… please stop using checks. Everyone at the grocery store hates you.

Senate minority leader Harry Reid is recovering after breaking some ribs and facial bones after an accident. Doctors say there was no damage to his spine, because he doesn’t have one.

House Majority Whip Steve Scalise has admitted that, while running for office, he gave a speech at a gathering of white supremacists. Scalise says he couldn’t tell, since their heads were covered by white hoods.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, December 21, 2014!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2014

Starring Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), John Abbott (Anchor), Amy Paffrath (Amy), Matt Harbert (Aaron Sorkin), Jamie Gaul (Sandra Sobeiraj Westfall), Melissa Paul (Angelina Jolie), Mitchell Baldwin (Hobbit Fan) and Troy Holden (Mars Astronomer)

Directed by Sean Cowhig

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, December 21, 2014!

Sony has cancelled the release of “The Interview” after threats of attacks against theaters by hackers working for North Korea. So you’re next, TV Land’s Christmas Day marathon of M*A*S*H!

After “The Interview” was pulled from theaters, Aaron Sorkin blasted both American media and North Korean hackers for an assault on freedom of speech. So Americans need to decide: do they want to side with a pompous, bloviating dictator hanging onto mostly imaginary power who refuses to tolerate any dissent whatsoever, or do they want to side with Kim Jong Un?

A new poll shows that a majority of Americans approve of the use of torture. Which explains why E! has picked up yet another season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
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