The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 22, 2015!

Benjamin Netanyahu won his fourth term as Israel’s Prime Minister in an extremely close election. Netanyahu is said to have won the race by only a foreskin.

Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match in May. To get ready to fight Romney, Holyfield has been playing a lot of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots”.

A class action lawsuit was filed in California against Franzia and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck for containing high levels of arsenic. Trader Joe’s customers say that while arsenic poisoning sucks, it’s still less annoying than paying 10 cents for a bag.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 15, 2015!

A jury ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke will have to pay $7.4 million for stealing music from Marvin Gaye. In related news, white musicians now owe black musicians 300 kajillion dollars.

A new poll says Fox News is the nation’s most trusted news network. Though to be fair, these results were reported by Fox News.

On Monday, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the new Apple watch. Apple customers will love the feature where the Apple watch will let them know how long it’s been since they’ve checked their iPhone.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 8, 2015!

On Tuesday Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a controversial speech before Congress. The most controversial part of the speech was when Netanyahu said that dress on the internet was definitely white and gold and not black and blue.

A Delta flight skidded off the runway after landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport on Thursday. Passengers said that with the screaming, luggage flying everywhere, and near fall into the ocean, it made for the most relaxing Delta flight they’ve ever had.

According to CNN, in the next few weeks the Justice Department plans to file corruption charges against New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. The key piece of evidence that Menendez is corrupt is that he’s a senator from New Jersey.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending February 22, 2015!

The Academy Awards were held tonight at the Dolby Theater. This year’s big winner? White people.

On Wednesday President Obama named Joseph Clancy the new Secret Service director. Clancy was chosen after sneaking his resume over the White House fence.

Oregon now has the first ever openly bisexual governor, Kate Brown. Voters say they’re looking forward to a leader with lots experience on both sides of the aisle.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending February 15, 2015!

NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months. During his suspension, Williams hopes to spend more time lying to his family.

The top judge in Alabama blocked gay marriage in his state because he says it would lead to father-daughter weddings. He was then overruled on the grounds that Alabama already allows father-daughter weddings.

ISIS is punishing residents who violate their bans on smoking with lashes, prison time, and even execution. Not only that, but ISIS will make them finish the whole pack!!!

The Top Story! Weekly Report For Sunday, February 8, 2015!


Starring Mitchel Baldwin (Anchor), Eileen Mary O’Connell (Anchor), Ryan Pratton (Ashton Kutcher), Ross Crain (Bill Belichick), Cassandra Lee Walker (NPR Listener), Matt Harbert (Jack White), Melissa Paul (Teen) and Paul Straw (Sean Killion’s Guard)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending February 8, 2015!

Water use in California last month was cut by 22%. So the Golden State celebrated the only way we know how: with a wet t-shirt contest.

This week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went on a trip to London, and London Bridge finally fell down.

Following his Super Bowl victory, Bill Belichick raised some eyebrows for kissing his 30-year-old daughter on the mouth. He didn’t mean to kiss her on the mouth, but he thought she was Tom Brady.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for The Week Ending February 1, 2015!

The New England Patriots defeated the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in Super Bowl LXIX. So kids: cheat!

Mitt Romney announced he will not run for president in 2016. Republicans said the decision was somewhat disappointing, while Democrats said it was absolutely devastating.

While President Obama was traveling abroad on Monday, a recreational drone crashed on the White House lawn. Although Obama was in no danger, the drone came this close to popping Joe Biden’s bouncy castle.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 25, 2015!


Starring Matthew Harris (Anchor), Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Ryan Pratton (Ashton Kutcher), Paul Straw (Stoner Losing Weight), Colin Contreary (Rebecca Black’s Manager), Stacy Rumaker (Zooey Deschanel), Mitchel Baldwin (Donnie Wahlberg) and John Druska (MASH-Loving Dad)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending January 25, 2015!

While speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Bill Gates said he believe that an HIV vaccine will be available by 2030. Which means that kids in 2090 can look forward to getting infected by the disease at Disneyland.

On Thursday, SkyMall magazine filed for bankruptcy. They made the decision after consulting with their legal team, a bunch of meercat lawn ornaments.

In a new poll, most New Jersey residents said they don’t think Chris Christie would be a good president. In response, Christie said those pollsters are going to eat their words…and if there are any left over, he wants some too.