The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, April 13, 2014!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, APRIL 13, 2014

Starring Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Matthew Harris (Anchor), Tammie Smalls (Pepper Jenkins), Dax Herrera (Jonathan Fleming), Colin Contreary (Samwise Gamgee), Jen Cain (Taylor Swift) and Jimmy Guidish (Postal Clerk)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 13, 2014!

Oscar Pistorius testified that when he shot his girlfriend, he was “simply trying to protect” her. Specifically protecting her from dying of old age.

President Obama reportedly turned down Kim Kardashian’s offer to help out in his 2012 re-election campaign. It was the first time Kim Kardashian ever heard the word “no” from a black guy.

On Monday, smoke from the New Jersey forest fire wafted into New York City. New Yorkers didn’t mind, since the smoke smelled a lot better than the usual New Jersey smell.
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Paul Shaffer Drops By The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, April 6, 2014!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, APRIL 6, 2014

Starring Sean Cowhig (Anchor), Stacy Rumaker (Anchor), Derek Reid (Conan the Comedian), Blake Hogue (Paul Shaffer), Mitchel Baldwin (Fleur de Lys Real Estate Agent), Ashleigh Hairston (Lucy Corde), Colin Contreary (Chicago Resident) and Eileen Mary O’Connell (Oxford Mississippi Sex Education Student)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 6, 2014!

President Obama declared this week that the Affordable Care Act is “helping people from coast to coast.” But it has given people in Hawaii crippling tuberculosis.

A new book by “Moneyball” author Michael Lewis reveals that US stock markets are rigged. It’s a big shock to everyone who assumed Wall Street has been fucking us over fair and square.

The United States reportedly created a secret “Cuban Twitter” to inspire young people there to rise against their government. It didn’t work because users spent all their time tweeting hashtags for “Cuban @Midnight.”
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, March 30, 2014!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 2014

Starring Grasie Mercedes (Anchor), Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Blake Walker (Tyrion Lannister), Colin Contreary (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fan), Evan Boelsen (Elton John), Marco Ragozzino (Zac Efron) and Bennett Jones (Colin Chisholm III)

Directed by Adam Campbell-Schmitt and Stacy Rumaker

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 30, 2014!

A Federal judge struck down a Michigan law banning gay marriage. Gay couples in the state were thrilled about the ruling, until they remembered that they still live in Michigan.

Donald Rumsfeld said on Fox News that a “trained ape” would do a better job in Afghanistan than President Obama. He then passed along the name of the trained ape who ran the Iraq invasion.

Michelle Obama visited China last week. It was part of her new campaign to make sure Chinese kids get an hour a day of physical fitness that’s not at an assembly line.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, March 23, 2014!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, MARCH 23, 2014

Starring Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Markeia McCarthy (Anchor), Ashleigh Hairston (Oprah Winfrey), Mitchel Baldwin (Hawaiian Vice Officer), Dax Herrera (Drunk Starbucks Customer) and John Abbott (Stella Ralfini’s Husband)

Directed by Adam Campbell-Schmitt

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 23, 2014!

Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a decree Monday recognizing Crimea as independent from Ukraine. He also signed a decree recognizing himself as independent from shirts.

The White House is launching a new website on climate change. The website should be up and running just as soon as we’ve all died from global warming.

While attempting to show a picture of a helicopter crash, a Denver news program accidentally showed a picture of a flaccid penis. So once again a serious story is pushed aside in favor of “soft” news.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, March 16, 2014!

THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, MARCH 16, 2014

Starring Jen Cain (Anchor), Adam Campbell-Schmitt (Anchor), Tammie Smalls (Pepper Jenkins), Julia Wackenheim (”Bachelor” Viewer), Mark Gagliardi (J. David Karam), Phillip Wilburn (Tom Bergeron), Mitchel Baldwin (Eric Chen) and James Warfield (Dinner at Guy & Gallard)

Directed by Michael Hughes

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 16, 2014!

President Obama appeared this week on Zach Galifianakis’s Funny or Die web series “Between Two Ferns”. It’s the first time Obama has ever done anything on a web site that actually works.

According to a new poll, 68% of Americans are closely following the crisis in Ukraine. 68% of Americans also think that “Ukraine” is one of the contestants on “The Bachelor” that Juan Pablo didn’t choose.

On Wednesday night the U.S. Capitol was left in darkness due to a power outage. Expects predict there won’t be such a big loss of power again in Washington D.C. until the Democrats lose in November.
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