Key ISIS commander, Abu Sayyaf, was killed this Friday by the US Army’s Delta Force Troops. Director Kathryn Bigelow has already cleared a space on her shelf for her next Oscar.
The NFL is suspending Tom Brady four games for his role in “Deflate-Gate”. Unlike domestic violence and murders, the NFL has a zero-tolerance policy on removing air from footballs.
A new poll shows a sharp rise in the number of Americans who no longer have a religion. The results are bad news for churches, but at least now Hozier can find parking.
George Zimmerman was injured Monday in a shooting. The suspect is karma.
The field of Republican presidential candidates widened this week with announcements by Carly Fiorina and Dr. Ben Carson that they are running. Or, as Republican voters will call them, “the woman” and “the black guy”
On Wednesday, Pope Francis met the Harlem Globetrotters. The Globetrotters weren’t nervous, though, since they’re used to going one-on-one with someone who’s never scored.
Floyd Mayweather is being sued for defamation by his ex-girlfriend Shantel Jackson. Mayweather is expected to win the case, but in the most boring and disappointing way possible.
On Saturday Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao in a boxing match billed as “The Fight of the Century”. Also on Saturday, all of your friends pretended to actually be interested in boxing.
Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, is running for President. Experts say his chances aren’t good, because America has never elected two socialist presidents in a row.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that the league plans to end its tax-exempt status. But Goodell added that there are no plans to end the NFL’s punishment-for-domestic-violence-exempt status.
In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner said publicly for the first time, “I am a woman”. Bruce also said she had to divorce Kris Jenner, because no woman in the Kardashian family is allowed to have talent.
Comcast is canceling plans to merge with Time Warner. Comcast dropped the idea when they realized they don’t need any additional help being evil.
A State College, Pennsylvania man was arrested for assault after arguing about whether Michael Jordan or Lebron James is a better basketball player. The winner of the argument: Charles Darwin.
On Monday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Or as his campaign posters will call him, The One That’s NOT Ted Cruz.
In an attempt to distance himself from his brother, Jeb Bush said in a speech that ″I’m my own person″. He added that if he becomes president, he’ll find his own unique way to completely screw over the country.
Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder. As a result, the NFL is considering the possibility of maybe suspending him.
A new book shares the secrets of White House butlers. Among the scandals in the book: Bill Clinton’s affair, JFK’s skinny-dipping parties, and the time Michelle Obama ate a McRib.
NASA’s chief scientist says there will be “definite evidence” of alien life within 20 to 30 years. In response, Republicans announced plans for a space fence.
“Rolling Stone” has retracted its story about an alleged rape by a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But “Rolling Stone” still stands by the positive review they gave to Limp Bizkit’s first album.
Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson says he won’t sign a “religious freedom” bill similar to the one passed in Indiana criticized. Not because he thinks it’s anti-gay, but because since he’s from Arkansas he doesn’t know how to write.
An Indiana pizzeria that refuses to cater gay weddings has received more than eight hundred thousand dollars from supporters who also oppose gay marriage. Donors say that pizzas are for sausage and cheese…not sausage and Steve!
This week Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan lost his bid for reelection. So he’ll be changing his name.
On Monday, Republican Senator Ted Cruz became the first major candidate to announce his bid for the Presidency in 2016. The news is exciting for Republicans, and even more exciting for Democrats.
Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans to give all his money away to charity. The charity is called The Fund For People Who Can’t Afford An iPhone.
A man in New York says he lost his job at the Home Depot because he has an “ISIS” tattoo that he got for a girlfriend named Isis. Home Depot says they let him go not because of the terrorist group, but because he’s stupid enough to believe in true love.
Benjamin Netanyahu won his fourth term as Israel’s Prime Minister in an extremely close election. Netanyahu is said to have won the race by only a foreskin.
Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match in May. To get ready to fight Romney, Holyfield has been playing a lot of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots”.
A class action lawsuit was filed in California against Franzia and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck for containing high levels of arsenic. Trader Joe’s customers say that while arsenic poisoning sucks, it’s still less annoying than paying 10 cents for a bag.
A jury ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke will have to pay $7.4 million for stealing music from Marvin Gaye. In related news, white musicians now owe black musicians 300 kajillion dollars.
A new poll says Fox News is the nation’s most trusted news network. Though to be fair, these results were reported by Fox News.
On Monday, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the new Apple watch. Apple customers will love the feature where the Apple watch will let them know how long it’s been since they’ve checked their iPhone.