The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 26, 2015!

On Thursday NASA announced that it had discovered a planet described as “Earth’s bigger, older cousin.” Which explains why Earth’s mom keeps nagging Earth about when he’s going to become a doctor.

During a campaign rally, Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham’s personal cell phone number. Fortunately for Graham, no one was able to get through because he has Sprint.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are divorcing. Which is sad news for country music fans, but great news for Adam Levine.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 19, 2015!

President Obama said on Wednesday that there isn’t a way to revoke Bill Cosby’s Presidential Medal of Freedom. However, they can still drug Cosby and take away the medal in his sleep.

Mexican druglord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s escape from prison was caught on surveillance video. If you haven’t seen footage of the prison escape, you can catch it every day for the rest of your life on TNT.

George H.W. Bush is recovering after falling and breaking a bone in his neck. However, the biggest pains in his neck are still his sons.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 12, 2015!

South Carolina took the Confederate flag down from its state capitol Friday. Residents are excited that the state is finally moving into the 19th century.

Voters in Greece rejected terms of the latest bailout as the nation’s financial cracks worsened. Greeks say this is the one crack they would not get behind.

Mitt Romney hosted a sleepover for Chris Christie and Marco Rubio over the 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately, the weekend didn’t end well for Rubio after Christie called top bunk.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 28, 2015!

The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that gay marriage is legal in the United States. However, still no word on when it will be legal for straight people to get gay married.

While discussing racism on Marc Maron’s podcast, President Obama used the N-word. It marked the first time Tea Partiers liked something said by Obama.

According to a new poll about presidential candidates, 55 percent of Republican voters won’t support Chris Christie. Also not supporting Christie: 100 percent of Republican chairs.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 21, 2015!

Jeb Bush announced Monday that he’s running for president, saying that he knows how to fix the country. And if he’s anything like his brother, he knows even better how to break it.

In his statement on climate change, Pope Francis said that the earth “is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” “Way ahead of you” replied New Jersey.

North Korea claims that it has found a cure for Ebola, SARS and AIDS. That cure: dying of starvation.


The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending Sunday, June 14, 2015!

“Jurassic World” broke box office records with its opening weekend. It’s the biggest dinosaur movie since “The Expendables”.

During Thursday night’s NBA finals game, ABC accidentally broadcast a shot of LeBron James’ penis. Basketball experts agreed it wasn’t nearly as good as Michael Jordan’s penis.

A new book reveals that in the 1970’s Orson Welles edited a lesbian scene from a porn film. And this time, when they say “Rosebud” they’re not taking about a sled.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, June 7, 2015!!!

Jeb Bush told Fox News that when it comes to the 2016 presidential race, he wants to be the guy to beat. And if the polls are right, he’ll get his wish.

An undercover operation has revealed that TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs and weapons 95 percent of the time. Though they did have a 100 percent success rate in finding travelers’ genitals.

John Kerry broke his leg last Sunday while bicycling in France. Secretary Kerry would have been hurt much worse if his fall had not been broken by his enormous face.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, June 1, 2015!

Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was indicted Thursday for paying almost $2 million in hush money to conceal alleged sexual misconduct from his time as a high school wrestling coach. Hastert claims he was just showing kids the quickest way to get a full nelson.

More than a dozen advertisers have pulled out of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” as a result of the Josh Duggar molestation scandal. Which is the first time anyone on “19 Kids and Counting” has ever pulled out.

Instead of cancelling “19 Kids and Counting”, TLC may drop Josh Duggar from the series. If they do, they’ll rename it “18 Kids Not Counting the One Who’s a Child Molester.”

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 24, 2015!

After six years in office, President Obama finally got his own Twitter account. Obama said he’d love to follow each and every American, but that’s the NSA’s job.

Brian Williams has pulled out of hosting an awards show for military veterans. According to Brian Williams, he already hosted the event two years ago.

The Los Angeles City Council voted to raise the city’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. So now typical L.A. residents can finally afford all those those dogs they rescued!

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 17, 2015!

Key ISIS commander, Abu Sayyaf, was killed this Friday by the US Army’s Delta Force Troops. Director Kathryn Bigelow has already cleared a space on her shelf for her next Oscar.

The NFL is suspending Tom Brady four games for his role in “Deflate-Gate”. Unlike domestic violence and murders, the NFL has a zero-tolerance policy on removing air from footballs.

A new poll shows a sharp rise in the number of Americans who no longer have a religion. The results are bad news for churches, but at least now Hozier can find parking.

George Zimmerman was injured Monday in a shooting. The suspect is karma.