The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 28, 2015!

The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that gay marriage is legal in the United States. However, still no word on when it will be legal for straight people to get gay married.

While discussing racism on Marc Maron’s podcast, President Obama used the N-word. It marked the first time Tea Partiers liked something said by Obama.

According to a new poll about presidential candidates, 55 percent of Republican voters won’t support Chris Christie. Also not supporting Christie: 100 percent of Republican chairs.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 21, 2015!

Jeb Bush announced Monday that he’s running for president, saying that he knows how to fix the country. And if he’s anything like his brother, he knows even better how to break it.

In his statement on climate change, Pope Francis said that the earth “is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” “Way ahead of you” replied New Jersey.

North Korea claims that it has found a cure for Ebola, SARS and AIDS. That cure: dying of starvation.

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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending Sunday, June 14, 2015!

“Jurassic World” broke box office records with its opening weekend. It’s the biggest dinosaur movie since “The Expendables”.

During Thursday night’s NBA finals game, ABC accidentally broadcast a shot of LeBron James’ penis. Basketball experts agreed it wasn’t nearly as good as Michael Jordan’s penis.

A new book reveals that in the 1970’s Orson Welles edited a lesbian scene from a porn film. And this time, when they say “Rosebud” they’re not taking about a sled.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, June 7, 2015!!!

Jeb Bush told Fox News that when it comes to the 2016 presidential race, he wants to be the guy to beat. And if the polls are right, he’ll get his wish.

An undercover operation has revealed that TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs and weapons 95 percent of the time. Though they did have a 100 percent success rate in finding travelers’ genitals.

John Kerry broke his leg last Sunday while bicycling in France. Secretary Kerry would have been hurt much worse if his fall had not been broken by his enormous face.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, June 1, 2015!

Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was indicted Thursday for paying almost $2 million in hush money to conceal alleged sexual misconduct from his time as a high school wrestling coach. Hastert claims he was just showing kids the quickest way to get a full nelson.

More than a dozen advertisers have pulled out of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” as a result of the Josh Duggar molestation scandal. Which is the first time anyone on “19 Kids and Counting” has ever pulled out.

Instead of cancelling “19 Kids and Counting”, TLC may drop Josh Duggar from the series. If they do, they’ll rename it “18 Kids Not Counting the One Who’s a Child Molester.”
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 24, 2015!

After six years in office, President Obama finally got his own Twitter account. Obama said he’d love to follow each and every American, but that’s the NSA’s job.

Brian Williams has pulled out of hosting an awards show for military veterans. According to Brian Williams, he already hosted the event two years ago.

The Los Angeles City Council voted to raise the city’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. So now typical L.A. residents can finally afford all those those dogs they rescued!
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 17, 2015!

Key ISIS commander, Abu Sayyaf, was killed this Friday by the US Army’s Delta Force Troops. Director Kathryn Bigelow has already cleared a space on her shelf for her next Oscar.

The NFL is suspending Tom Brady four games for his role in “Deflate-Gate”. Unlike domestic violence and murders, the NFL has a zero-tolerance policy on removing air from footballs.

A new poll shows a sharp rise in the number of Americans who no longer have a religion. The results are bad news for churches, but at least now Hozier can find parking.

George Zimmerman was injured Monday in a shooting. The suspect is karma.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 10, 2015!

The field of Republican presidential candidates widened this week with announcements by Carly Fiorina and Dr. Ben Carson that they are running. Or, as Republican voters will call them, “the woman” and “the black guy”

On Wednesday, Pope Francis met the Harlem Globetrotters. The Globetrotters weren’t nervous, though, since they’re used to going one-on-one with someone who’s never scored.

Floyd Mayweather is being sued for defamation by his ex-girlfriend Shantel Jackson. Mayweather is expected to win the case, but in the most boring and disappointing way possible.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 3, 2015!!

On Saturday Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao in a boxing match billed as “The Fight of the Century”. Also on Saturday, all of your friends pretended to actually be interested in boxing.

Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, is running for President. Experts say his chances aren’t good, because America has never elected two socialist presidents in a row.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that the league plans to end its tax-exempt status. But Goodell added that there are no plans to end the NFL’s punishment-for-domestic-violence-exempt status.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 26, 2015!

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner said publicly for the first time, “I am a woman”. Bruce also said she had to divorce Kris Jenner, because no woman in the Kardashian family is allowed to have talent.

Comcast is canceling plans to merge with Time Warner. Comcast dropped the idea when they realized they don’t need any additional help being evil.

A State College, Pennsylvania man was arrested for assault after arguing about whether Michael Jordan or Lebron James is a better basketball player. The winner of the argument: Charles Darwin.
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