Following a delay, the Senate on Tuesday agreed to extend jobless benefits. The Senate acted once they realized that after November most of them will be out of a job.

Scientists believe that last week’s massive earthquake in Chile shortened the day by 1.26 microseconds when it shifted the earth’s axis by three inches. Fortunately the axis shifted back the next morning when Kirstie Alley got out of bed.

On Wednesday, the Senate rejected a measure that would have given checks of $250 to the elderly. The news caused a major plummet in the stock price of Werther’s Originals.

The federal government disclosed this week that sexual harassment claims from men have doubled since 1990. Men are urged to open their mouths about sexual harassment claims - although no one will here them because their mouths will be filled with their boss’ balls.

A bipartisan immigration bill would require undocumented workers to register, pay taxes, and pay a penalty for violating the law. The proposal would also require all undocumented workers to root for American soccer teams.

General Motors announced Tuesday that they are recalling 1.3 million compact cars due to a steering problem. The problem is that they compel drivers to steer into a Ford dealer and get a better car.

Republican California state senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for drunk driving on Wednesday after leaving a gay nightclub. While in the state senate, Ashburn is a fierce opponent of gay rights, out in the clubs, he’s just “fierce.”

Sarah Palin is working on a new book about strengths and virtues. Specifically, the book will be about how to get ahead in life despite not having any strengths or virtues.

Harrison Ford may star in a fifth Indiana Jones movie. The film will be called “Indiana Jones and the Desperate Attempt to Win Back the Audience.”

Burt Reynolds was released from the hospital Tuesday after undergoing quintuple bypass surgery. The best part of the surgery? At the end of it there was a blooper reel.

Megan Fox admitted to Harper’s Bazaar that she has only ever had sex with two men. At a time.

Lady Gaga told an interviewer that women get the, quote, “short end of the stick” when it comes to sex. Lady Gaga added that being female is so difficult, she doesn’t know how women do it.

A former model from “The Price is Right” has filed a lawsuit claiming that working on the program made her miscarry. The lawsuit shows just how serious Bob Barker is about getting spayed and neutered.

Nathan Scott, a film and television composer whose credits include “Dragnet” and “Lassie,” has died at age 94. Scott died when his dog was unable to convince people that he had fallen down a well.

Swedish rapper David Moses Jassy was sentenced to at least fifteen years in prison for running down and killing a pedestrian in Los Angeles. He was also sentenced to another fifteen years in prison for being a Swedish rapper.

NBC has received complaints for cutting away from Sunday’s Winter Olympics closing ceremonies in order to show the new Jerry Seinfeld series “The Marriage Ref.” NBC replied that since the broadcast of the Winter Olympics had made the network number one for the first time in years, they had to end them as soon as they possibly could.

The Swiss government has begun mass-producing the Hotshot, a line of extra small condoms. In related news, every man in Switzerland has purchased Lamborghinis.

A man in New York accused of ATM fraud swallowed a flash drive in an attempt to destroy the evidence. While the man did not succeed in destroying the drive, his stomach can now hold an extra four gigabytes of food.

A new study finds that dim lighting can trigger dishonesty. In particular, it can make a woman dishonest about whether she actually had an orgasm.

New studies show that workers who undergo prolonged unemployment may suffer shortened life spans. However, prolonged unemployment will have the opposite effect on the workers’ World of Warcraft characters.

Weight Watchers announced this week that they’d be adding some items from the McDonald’s menu to their list of approved food choices. These items include Diet Coke, a single French fry, and the new McAir Cup of Oxygen.

Four Californians face criminal charges after hacking into Ticketmaster’s computers to buy tickets and then resell them at a higher price. The four are being charged with stealing Ticketmaster’s business model.

And finally, Hank Rosenstein, a New York Knick who in 1946 played in what is considered the first NBA game, died in Boca Raton at age 89. The 1946 game with Rosenstein also marked the last time an NBA team featured a Jew.