Ben Carson says that if he could go back in time, he would not abort baby Hitler. Instead, he would use the trip to fix all those holes in his autobiography.
Some customers are mad at Starbucks because the red holiday cups it started using in October have no Christmas symbols on them. Not because the cups don’t have Christmas symbols, but because Starbucks STARTED USING HOLIDAY CUPS IN OCTOBER!!!
During an interview on a radio show Wednesday, Donald Trump speculated that Hillary Clinton might be wearing a wig. The radio show then got a phone call for Trump from the kettle.
Donald Trump hosted this weekend’s ″Saturday Night Live″. Just like his campaign, each sketch was kind of funny at first but then went way too long.
On Tuesday Kentucky held an election for governor. The loser has to be governor of Kentucky.
153 cases of Skippy peanut butter are being recalled due to possible metal shavings in the jars. Not for safety reasons, but because they want to label all the jars as “Extra, EXTRA Crunchy”.
Wednesday marked the day Marty McFly traveled into 2015 in ″Back to the Future Part II″. So if you’re still upset that there aren’t flying cars or hoverboards, just Google why that is on the computer you keep in your pocket.
Paul Ryan says he’ll run for Speaker of the House only if Republicans agree to his conditions. Republicans will get back to him once they’ve looked up “agree” in the dictionary.
Tickets for the new ″Star Wars″ movie were made available for pre-sale on Monday. So “Star Wars” fans can buy a pair of tickets now, and still have plenty of time to not find a date!
The first Democratic presidential debate was held on Tuesday. During the event, the candidates debated whether Hillary should be nominated now or nominated later.
Ben Carson said in an interview that he believes the “end of days” is near. In related news, Carson announced that his new speech writer is Kirk Cameron.
Jeb Bush is starting to stay in cheaper hotels in order to save money. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal is still staying in his 2005 Buick LeSabre.
Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy has pulled out of the race for Speaker of the House. Keeping with the tradition of conservatives using the pull out method.
Netflix is boosting its price to $9.99 per month. The price boost was prompted by a new conservative group: “A million moms against Netflix and Chill”
Customers are complaining that Burger King’s Halloween black bun Whopper turns their poop green. So for Burger King employees, that’s a trick AND a treat.
Donald Trump said on “Meet the Press” that America’s mass shootings are the result of mental illness. Just like Trump’s lead in the race for the Republican nomination.
Jeb Bush commented on the campus shooting in Oregon by saying that, quote, “stuff happens”. And by “stuff”, Trump meant “saying something so stupid it completely eliminates any chance you had of being elected president”.
Donald Trump cancelled a rally scheduled for Friday in Virginia Beach due to Hurricane Joaquin. But Trump claimed he had a plan to stop the hurricane by building a giant wall.
Speaker of the House John Boehner shocked Washington Friday by announcing that he was resigning. Boehner plans to spend more time crying with his family.
Prior to announcing his resignation, John Boehner cried while Pope Francis spoke before Congress. Witnesses said it was a little weird that the Pope was using his time at Congress to summarize the first five minute of the movie “Up”.
Donald Trump said he wouldn’t appear on Fox News anymore. Not surprisingly, he now wants to appear on a younger, hotter network.
During a speech on Thursday, Donald Trump failed to correct a supporter who claimed Barack Obama was Muslim. Even worse, he failed to correct a supporter who claimed Trump could actually become president.
An old interview with Donald Trump reveals that Trump thinks of himself as “actually very modest.” In fact, Trump said he’s “the very best” at being modest.
Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate was the most-watched program in CNN history. Most viewers didn’t have any interest in the debate; they were just glad CNN finally found that plane.
The White House announced Thursday that over the next year the U.S. should take in at least 10,000 refugees from Syria. Also on Thursday, Donald Trump announced he is thinking about what kind of fence he can build to keep them out.
Hillary Clinton has finally apologized for setting up her own email server while Secretary of State. She decided to apologize after realizing that her poll numbers are also sorry.
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio apologized Thursday after police mistakenly arrested former pro tennis player James Blake. Charges against Blake were immediately dropped…and then picked up by a sprinting ball boy.
Donald Trump has vowed to the Republican Party not to make a third-party run if he is not their presidential nominee. And if you want proof of how seriously Donald Trump takes vows he makes, just ask his two ex-wives.
Mitch McConnell said Friday that Senate Republicans lack the votes for their plan to defund Planned Parenthood. So they’re choosing to abort it.
Scott Walker says that voters have very legitimate concerns about the Canadian border. Especially how it’s protected on the Canadian side by a bunch of hosers.