The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 17, 2016!

On Monday, The White House joined social media app Snapchat. Republicans are enjoying the app because after just 10 seconds, Obama disappears.

Donald Trump has received an endorsement from a white supremacist group. That group – The Republican Party.

Kim Davis attended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. She wanted to make sure it didn’t involve the union of two men.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, December 6, 2015!

At the Paris climate change summit Monday, President Obama ran over his allotted speaking time and ignored signals to wrap things up. As a result, he was banned from doing the summit’s open mic.

Carly Fiorina denounced criticism of her statements about Planned Parenthood as, quote, ″typical left-wing tactics″. Specifically, the left-wing tactic of, quote, ″using actual facts″.

Jeb Bush told a group of Iowa voters Tuesday that they were “looking at the Republican nominee in 2016″. At the time, he was showing them a picture of Marco Rubio.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending November 22, 2015!

Donald Trump says he’s lost 15 pounds while running for president. Which is easy to do when you only eat your words.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday that the city will welcome Syrian refugees. According to the mayor, New York City is happy to welcome Syrian refugees…as long as they can afford $3,000 a month for rent.

Alabama governor Robert Bentley has announced that his state will not accept any refugees from Syria. The governor explained that Alabama has already taken too many refugees from Florida.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, November 8, 2015!

Donald Trump hosted this weekend’s ″Saturday Night Live″. Just like his campaign, each sketch was kind of funny at first but then went way too long.

On Tuesday Kentucky held an election for governor. The loser has to be governor of Kentucky.

153 cases of Skippy peanut butter are being recalled due to possible metal shavings in the jars. Not for safety reasons, but because they want to label all the jars as “Extra, EXTRA Crunchy”.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, October 4, 2015!

Donald Trump said on “Meet the Press” that America’s mass shootings are the result of mental illness. Just like Trump’s lead in the race for the Republican nomination.

Jeb Bush commented on the campus shooting in Oregon by saying that, quote, “stuff happens”. And by “stuff”, Trump meant “saying something so stupid it completely eliminates any chance you had of being elected president”.

Donald Trump cancelled a rally scheduled for Friday in Virginia Beach due to Hurricane Joaquin. But Trump claimed he had a plan to stop the hurricane by building a giant wall.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 16, 2015!

Donald Trump will report for jury duty tomorrow in New York City. So good luck getting out of that parking ticket, Megyn Kelly.

Los Angeles is the frontrunner to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. If chosen, athletes will compete to win a bronze, silver, or kale medal.

A new discovery reveals that William Shakespeare may have enjoyed smoking marijuana. Which explains his unpublished play, Much Ado About Rastafari. (more…)

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 2, 2015!

During a speech on Tuesday, President Obama said that he’s looking forward to life after his presidency. Though he will miss all that golf.

Donald Trump said if he’s elected he’d love to have Sarah Palin in his cabinet. However, Trump said he’d only do so if it was first approved by Vice-President Dennis Rodman.

Walter Palmer, the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, Africa has apologized. However, he still hasn’t apologized for the dentist office playing nothing but Kenny G.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 22, 2015!

Benjamin Netanyahu won his fourth term as Israel’s Prime Minister in an extremely close election. Netanyahu is said to have won the race by only a foreskin.

Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match in May. To get ready to fight Romney, Holyfield has been playing a lot of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots”.

A class action lawsuit was filed in California against Franzia and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck for containing high levels of arsenic. Trader Joe’s customers say that while arsenic poisoning sucks, it’s still less annoying than paying 10 cents for a bag.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending February 22, 2015!

The Academy Awards were held tonight at the Dolby Theater. This year’s big winner? White people.

On Wednesday President Obama named Joseph Clancy the new Secret Service director. Clancy was chosen after sneaking his resume over the White House fence.

Oregon now has the first ever openly bisexual governor, Kate Brown. Voters say they’re looking forward to a leader with lots experience on both sides of the aisle.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending February 15, 2015!

NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months. During his suspension, Williams hopes to spend more time lying to his family.

The top judge in Alabama blocked gay marriage in his state because he says it would lead to father-daughter weddings. He was then overruled on the grounds that Alabama already allows father-daughter weddings.

ISIS is punishing residents who violate their bans on smoking with lashes, prison time, and even execution. Not only that, but ISIS will make them finish the whole pack!!!