Ben Carson says that if he could go back in time, he would not abort baby Hitler. Instead, he would use the trip to fix all those holes in his autobiography.
Some customers are mad at Starbucks because the red holiday cups it started using in October have no Christmas symbols on them. Not because the cups don’t have Christmas symbols, but because Starbucks STARTED USING HOLIDAY CUPS IN OCTOBER!!!
During an interview on a radio show Wednesday, Donald Trump speculated that Hillary Clinton might be wearing a wig. The radio show then got a phone call for Trump from the kettle.
The first Democratic presidential debate was held on Tuesday. During the event, the candidates debated whether Hillary should be nominated now or nominated later.
Ben Carson said in an interview that he believes the “end of days” is near. In related news, Carson announced that his new speech writer is Kirk Cameron.
Jeb Bush is starting to stay in cheaper hotels in order to save money. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal is still staying in his 2005 Buick LeSabre.
Speaker of the House John Boehner shocked Washington Friday by announcing that he was resigning. Boehner plans to spend more time crying with his family.
Prior to announcing his resignation, John Boehner cried while Pope Francis spoke before Congress. Witnesses said it was a little weird that the Pope was using his time at Congress to summarize the first five minute of the movie “Up”.
Donald Trump said he wouldn’t appear on Fox News anymore. Not surprisingly, he now wants to appear on a younger, hotter network.
The White House announced Thursday that over the next year the U.S. should take in at least 10,000 refugees from Syria. Also on Thursday, Donald Trump announced he is thinking about what kind of fence he can build to keep them out.
Hillary Clinton has finally apologized for setting up her own email server while Secretary of State. She decided to apologize after realizing that her poll numbers are also sorry.
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio apologized Thursday after police mistakenly arrested former pro tennis player James Blake. Charges against Blake were immediately dropped…and then picked up by a sprinting ball boy.
On Thursday, ten Republican presidential candidates debated on Fox News. And the winner of the debate, naturally, was Hillary Clinton.
According to a new poll, most Republican voters would like a different format than the one used for this week’s debate. Republicans’ biggest complaint: too many black guy.
Jeb Bush has lost 40 pounds over the last 6 months. Jeb lost the weight with a new diet where he no longer feeds off his brother’s legacy.
Mitt Romney’s advisors are reportedly trying to talk him into running for President again. As are Hillary Clinton’s advisors.
George W. Bush says that the chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016 is fifty-fifty. Or as Bush phrased it, “halfty - halfty.”
Craig Spencer, the New York doctor released from the hospital Tuesday after recovering from Ebola, had a reputation among the staff as a hipster. Mainly because he kept bragging about how he had Ebola before anyone else did.
A new book reveals that Hillary Clinton was a big pot smoker when she was younger. Which means the real hard choice was between Funyuns or Bugles.
A venture capital firm has invested $50 million in Buzzfeed. They decided to invest the money after taking a Buzzfeed quiz titled “What Company Should You Invest $50 Million In?”
This fall, for the first time ever, white students will no longer be the majority in U.S. public schools. Which means next spring, for the first time ever, high school proms will actually feature good dancing.
HILLARY LOVES YOU BOTH, CNN AND FOX NEWS by Mike Roe
Starring Kipleigh Brown (Hillary Clinton), Jimmy Guidish (George), Ashleigh Hairston (Christiane Amanpour) and John Abbott (Bret Baier) and Stacy Rumaker (Greta Van Susteren)
Directed by Sean Cowhig
THE TOP STORY! WEEKLY REPORT FOR SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 2014
Starring Kipleigh Brown (Anchor), Rebecca Stevens (Anchor), Mitchel Baldwin (Jimmy Fallon), Ashleigh Hairston (Florida Resident), Jimmy Guidish (Bill Clinton), Derek Reid (Star Wars Nerd), Evan Boelsen (Elton John) and John Abbott (Alabama Judge)
Directed by Sean Cowhig
The United States announced they’ve captured the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. However, Fox News said the report is false, because they did not arrest Hillary Clinton.
Mitt Romney is being urged to run for President in 2016 by some Republicans. And he’s being urged even harder to run by lots and lots of Democrats.
Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing limited use of medical marijuana. Florida residents are very upset about the law, because they think that instead the state should have legalized medical crystal meth.