The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 12, 2015!

South Carolina took the Confederate flag down from its state capitol Friday. Residents are excited that the state is finally moving into the 19th century.

Voters in Greece rejected terms of the latest bailout as the nation’s financial cracks worsened. Greeks say this is the one crack they would not get behind.

Mitt Romney hosted a sleepover for Chris Christie and Marco Rubio over the 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately, the weekend didn’t end well for Rubio after Christie called top bunk.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 22, 2015!

Benjamin Netanyahu won his fourth term as Israel’s Prime Minister in an extremely close election. Netanyahu is said to have won the race by only a foreskin.

Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match in May. To get ready to fight Romney, Holyfield has been playing a lot of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots”.

A class action lawsuit was filed in California against Franzia and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck for containing high levels of arsenic. Trader Joe’s customers say that while arsenic poisoning sucks, it’s still less annoying than paying 10 cents for a bag.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for The Week Ending February 1, 2015!

The New England Patriots defeated the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in Super Bowl LXIX. So kids: cheat!

Mitt Romney announced he will not run for president in 2016. Republicans said the decision was somewhat disappointing, while Democrats said it was absolutely devastating.

While President Obama was traveling abroad on Monday, a recreational drone crashed on the White House lawn. Although Obama was in no danger, the drone came this close to popping Joe Biden’s bouncy castle.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending January 18, 2015!

Mitt Romney is gearing up to run for president again in 2016 and reportedly wants to make poverty a central theme of his campaign. In fact, Romney has already launched an exploratory committee to find out what poverty is.

Two anti-torture protestors were arrested last weekend for trespassing at the home of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Fortunately for the protestors, they were interrogated by the police instead of Dick Cheney.

At least 26 people have caught measles after visiting Disney theme parks in December. The people are expected to recover in a week, or in a day if they have a Fast Pass.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending November 16, 2014!

Mitt Romney’s advisors are reportedly trying to talk him into running for President again. As are Hillary Clinton’s advisors.

George W. Bush says that the chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016 is fifty-fifty. Or as Bush phrased it, “halfty - halfty.”

Craig Spencer, the New York doctor released from the hospital Tuesday after recovering from Ebola, had a reputation among the staff as a hipster. Mainly because he kept bragging about how he had Ebola before anyone else did.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 31, 2014!

Mitt Romney said that right now, he’s not running for president in 2016, but that “circumstances can change”. For example, Republicans could decide that in 2016, they want to lose.

Sunday’s earthquake in Napa Valley caused severe damage to several wineries. The county has been declared a disaster area by Kathie Lee and Hoda.

A new report indicates that Malaysian Airlines is losing over two million dollars a day. Investigators speculate that the money crashed somewhere in the Indian Ocean.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 22, 2014!

The United States announced they’ve captured the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. However, Fox News said the report is false, because they did not arrest Hillary Clinton.

Mitt Romney is being urged to run for President in 2016 by some Republicans. And he’s being urged even harder to run by lots and lots of Democrats.

Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing limited use of medical marijuana. Florida residents are very upset about the law, because they think that instead the state should have legalized medical crystal meth.
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Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending October 13, 2013!

Arizona lawmaker Brenda Barton said that when she referred to President Obama as “de Fuhrer”, she was not comparing him to Hitler. She’s actually a big fan of Hitler.

The Olympic torch relay leading up to Russia’s Sochi Winter Games has been plagued by torches becoming extinguished. However, it’s not the first time Russia has extinguished something that’s flaming.

California Governor Jerry Brown vetoed a bill that would allow illegal immigrants to serve on juries. As a result, production has been halted on the latest Hollywood remake, “12 Angry Amigos.”
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Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 17, 2013!

On Wednesday, the Catholic Church selected its new leader, Pope Francis. He spent the first day as Pope like any new employee does: rolling his eyes during a session on sexual harassment.

Scott Prouty, the bartender who shot the Mitt Romney “47%” video says he was inspired by Bill Clinton. Because both men are known for shooting something discretely under a table.

A judge has overturned New York City’s ban on large sugary drinks. “It’s a good day for democracy” commented Type 2 Diabetes.
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Mitt Romney’s Family Tries to Help Him Get Back in the Diamond Encrusted Saddle!

BACK IN THE DIAMOND ENCRUSTED SADDLE AGAIN by Sean Tierney

Starring Phillip Wilburn (Mitt Romney), Jen Cain (Ann Romney), Blake Walker (Tagg Romney) and Matthew Harris (Barack Obama)

Directed by Michael Hughes