The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 24, 2016!

Sarah Palin has blamed President Obama for her son Track’s domestic violence. She then went on to blame Joe Biden for Bristol’s pregnancy.

The Buffalo Bills have hired the NFL’s first female full-time assistant coach, Kathryn Smith. The Bills are proud to finally give women an equal opportunity to know what it’s like to never win a Super Bowl.

This past Wednesday New York City declared it was “David Bowie Day.” It was a nice sentiment until they declared Thursday “Pizza Rat Day.”
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 2, 2015!

During a speech on Tuesday, President Obama said that he’s looking forward to life after his presidency. Though he will miss all that golf.

Donald Trump said if he’s elected he’d love to have Sarah Palin in his cabinet. However, Trump said he’d only do so if it was first approved by Vice-President Dennis Rodman.

Walter Palmer, the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, Africa has apologized. However, he still hasn’t apologized for the dentist office playing nothing but Kenny G.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 12, 2015!

South Carolina took the Confederate flag down from its state capitol Friday. Residents are excited that the state is finally moving into the 19th century.

Voters in Greece rejected terms of the latest bailout as the nation’s financial cracks worsened. Greeks say this is the one crack they would not get behind.

Mitt Romney hosted a sleepover for Chris Christie and Marco Rubio over the 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately, the weekend didn’t end well for Rubio after Christie called top bunk.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending Sunday, June 14, 2015!

“Jurassic World” broke box office records with its opening weekend. It’s the biggest dinosaur movie since “The Expendables”.

During Thursday night’s NBA finals game, ABC accidentally broadcast a shot of LeBron James’ penis. Basketball experts agreed it wasn’t nearly as good as Michael Jordan’s penis.

A new book reveals that in the 1970’s Orson Welles edited a lesbian scene from a porn film. And this time, when they say “Rosebud” they’re not taking about a sled.
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The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending September 21, 2014!

A sixth grade girl told President Obama that she was disappointed that he was visiting her classroom because she thought she was going to see Beyonce. The mistake was understandable, because her teacher said they were getting a visit from the most powerful person in the world.

A new survey lists the towns in each state with the highest percentage of immigrants. The survey was conducted by finding the town in each state with the largest Home Depot parking lot.

Microsoft has acquired Mojang, the company that makes Minecraft. Since it’s part of the Microsoft family, Minecraft will now feature way more crashes.
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President Obama Has More Sanctions to Place on Russia!

TS!W 720: RUSSIAN SANCTIONS by Greg Shouse and Atul Singh

Starring Derek Reid (Barack Obama) and Phillip Wilburn (Phillip)

Directed by Kristina Adelmeyer

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 23, 2014!

Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a decree Monday recognizing Crimea as independent from Ukraine. He also signed a decree recognizing himself as independent from shirts.

The White House is launching a new website on climate change. The website should be up and running just as soon as we’ve all died from global warming.

While attempting to show a picture of a helicopter crash, a Denver news program accidentally showed a picture of a flaccid penis. So once again a serious story is pushed aside in favor of “soft” news.
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After “Predicting” Russia’s Invasion of Ukraine, Sarah Palin Starts a New Career as a Psychic!

MADAME SARAH, PSYCHIC by Ray Stakenas

Starring Stacy Rumaker (Sarah Palin), Lauren Miller (Joy) and Leo Margul (Steve)

Directed by Michael Hughes

A&E Gives “Duck Dynasty”’s Phil Robertson a Chance to Prove He’s Not Homophobic!

POOPER STUPOR by Hank Layton

Starring Josh Rachford (Phil Robertson), Kipleigh Brown (Vikki) and Jen Cain (Sarah Palin)

Directed by Adam Campbell-Schmitt

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending November 24, 2013!

Here’s tonight’s top story. On Wednesday, President Obama laid a wreath on John F. Kennedy’s grave. And later that day, he laid a wreath on the grave of the Obamacare Website

In other JFK news, the New York Post reported that Kennedy and wife Jackie had sex on Air Force One the day before his assassination. Although some conspiracy theorists suggest there was a second shooter.

George Zimmerman was arrested Monday for domestic violence. And if he gets arrested one more time, he might actually go to jail.
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