On Monday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Or as his campaign posters will call him, The One That’s NOT Ted Cruz.
In an attempt to distance himself from his brother, Jeb Bush said in a speech that ″I’m my own person″. He added that if he becomes president, he’ll find his own unique way to completely screw over the country.
Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder. As a result, the NFL is considering the possibility of maybe suspending him.
A new book shares the secrets of White House butlers. Among the scandals in the book: Bill Clinton’s affair, JFK’s skinny-dipping parties, and the time Michelle Obama ate a McRib.
NASA’s chief scientist says there will be “definite evidence” of alien life within 20 to 30 years. In response, Republicans announced plans for a space fence.
“Rolling Stone” has retracted its story about an alleged rape by a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But “Rolling Stone” still stands by the positive review they gave to Limp Bizkit’s first album.
Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson says he won’t sign a “religious freedom” bill similar to the one passed in Indiana criticized. Not because he thinks it’s anti-gay, but because since he’s from Arkansas he doesn’t know how to write.
An Indiana pizzeria that refuses to cater gay weddings has received more than eight hundred thousand dollars from supporters who also oppose gay marriage. Donors say that pizzas are for sausage and cheese…not sausage and Steve!
This week Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan lost his bid for reelection. So he’ll be changing his name.
On Monday, Republican Senator Ted Cruz became the first major candidate to announce his bid for the Presidency in 2016. The news is exciting for Republicans, and even more exciting for Democrats.
Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans to give all his money away to charity. The charity is called The Fund For People Who Can’t Afford An iPhone.
A man in New York says he lost his job at the Home Depot because he has an “ISIS” tattoo that he got for a girlfriend named Isis. Home Depot says they let him go not because of the terrorist group, but because he’s stupid enough to believe in true love.
Benjamin Netanyahu won his fourth term as Israel’s Prime Minister in an extremely close election. Netanyahu is said to have won the race by only a foreskin.
Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match in May. To get ready to fight Romney, Holyfield has been playing a lot of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots”.
A class action lawsuit was filed in California against Franzia and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck for containing high levels of arsenic. Trader Joe’s customers say that while arsenic poisoning sucks, it’s still less annoying than paying 10 cents for a bag.
A jury ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke will have to pay $7.4 million for stealing music from Marvin Gaye. In related news, white musicians now owe black musicians 300 kajillion dollars.
A new poll says Fox News is the nation’s most trusted news network. Though to be fair, these results were reported by Fox News.
On Monday, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the new Apple watch. Apple customers will love the feature where the Apple watch will let them know how long it’s been since they’ve checked their iPhone.
On Tuesday Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a controversial speech before Congress. The most controversial part of the speech was when Netanyahu said that dress on the internet was definitely white and gold and not black and blue.
A Delta flight skidded off the runway after landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport on Thursday. Passengers said that with the screaming, luggage flying everywhere, and near fall into the ocean, it made for the most relaxing Delta flight they’ve ever had.
According to CNN, in the next few weeks the Justice Department plans to file corruption charges against New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. The key piece of evidence that Menendez is corrupt is that he’s a senator from New Jersey.
The investigation into Friday’s murder of leading Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov will be overseen personally by Vladimir Putin. Putin has already narrowed the possible suspects down to two groups: everyone in Ukraine, and shirts.
Alaska has become the third state to legalize marijuana. Which means now everyone in Alaska can be baked.
Rajendra Pachauri, the head of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, resigned Tuesday after being accused of sexual harassment. The harassment occurred when he asked an employee, “Is it hot in here, or is it just our entire planet?”
The Academy Awards were held tonight at the Dolby Theater. This year’s big winner? White people.
On Wednesday President Obama named Joseph Clancy the new Secret Service director. Clancy was chosen after sneaking his resume over the White House fence.
Oregon now has the first ever openly bisexual governor, Kate Brown. Voters say they’re looking forward to a leader with lots experience on both sides of the aisle.
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months. During his suspension, Williams hopes to spend more time lying to his family.
The top judge in Alabama blocked gay marriage in his state because he says it would lead to father-daughter weddings. He was then overruled on the grounds that Alabama already allows father-daughter weddings.
ISIS is punishing residents who violate their bans on smoking with lashes, prison time, and even execution. Not only that, but ISIS will make them finish the whole pack!!!