The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, October 4, 2015!

Donald Trump said on “Meet the Press” that America’s mass shootings are the result of mental illness. Just like Trump’s lead in the race for the Republican nomination.

Jeb Bush commented on the campus shooting in Oregon by saying that, quote, “stuff happens”. And by “stuff”, Trump meant “saying something so stupid it completely eliminates any chance you had of being elected president”.

Donald Trump cancelled a rally scheduled for Friday in Virginia Beach due to Hurricane Joaquin. But Trump claimed he had a plan to stop the hurricane by building a giant wall.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, September 27, 2015!

Speaker of the House John Boehner shocked Washington Friday by announcing that he was resigning. Boehner plans to spend more time crying with his family.

Prior to announcing his resignation, John Boehner cried while Pope Francis spoke before Congress. Witnesses said it was a little weird that the Pope was using his time at Congress to summarize the first five minute of the movie “Up”.

Donald Trump said he wouldn’t appear on Fox News anymore. Not surprisingly, he now wants to appear on a younger, hotter network.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, September 20, 2015!

During a speech on Thursday, Donald Trump failed to correct a supporter who claimed Barack Obama was Muslim. Even worse, he failed to correct a supporter who claimed Trump could actually become president.

An old interview with Donald Trump reveals that Trump thinks of himself as “actually very modest.” In fact, Trump said he’s “the very best” at being modest.

Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate was the most-watched program in CNN history. Most viewers didn’t have any interest in the debate; they were just glad CNN finally found that plane.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending Sunday, September 13, 2015!

The White House announced Thursday that over the next year the U.S. should take in at least 10,000 refugees from Syria. Also on Thursday, Donald Trump announced he is thinking about what kind of fence he can build to keep them out.

Hillary Clinton has finally apologized for setting up her own email server while Secretary of State. She decided to apologize after realizing that her poll numbers are also sorry.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio apologized Thursday after police mistakenly arrested former pro tennis player James Blake. Charges against Blake were immediately dropped…and then picked up by a sprinting ball boy.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending September 6, 2015!

Donald Trump has vowed to the Republican Party not to make a third-party run if he is not their presidential nominee. And if you want proof of how seriously Donald Trump takes vows he makes, just ask his two ex-wives.

Mitch McConnell said Friday that Senate Republicans lack the votes for their plan to defund Planned Parenthood. So they’re choosing to abort it.

Scott Walker says that voters have very legitimate concerns about the Canadian border. Especially how it’s protected on the Canadian side by a bunch of hosers.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 30, 2015!

Marco Rubio said in an interview Wednesday that even though he’s a first-term senator in his 40’s who’s running for president, he’s not like Barack Obama. For one thing, Barack Obama actually had a chance to win.

A Donald Trump fan yelled out “White Power” during a political rally in Mobile, Alabama. Commented another rally goer: “Redundant!”

George Zimmerman tweeted that he thinks President Obama is a racist. In other words, Zimmerman is a fan.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 23, 2015!

While campaigning in Iowa Monday, Marco Rubio threw a football and hit a four-year-old boy on the forehead. It’s the first time Marco Rubio has connected with anyone on the campaign trail.

A teenager who goes by the name Deez Nuts is running for president. His running mate: Heywood Jablome.

NBCUniversal is investing 200 million dollars in BuzzFeed. What happens next will disappoint you!

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 16, 2015!

Donald Trump will report for jury duty tomorrow in New York City. So good luck getting out of that parking ticket, Megyn Kelly.

Los Angeles is the frontrunner to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. If chosen, athletes will compete to win a bronze, silver, or kale medal.

A new discovery reveals that William Shakespeare may have enjoyed smoking marijuana. Which explains his unpublished play, Much Ado About Rastafari. (more…)

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 9, 2015!

On Thursday, ten Republican presidential candidates debated on Fox News. And the winner of the debate, naturally, was Hillary Clinton.

According to a new poll, most Republican voters would like a different format than the one used for this week’s debate. Republicans’ biggest complaint: too many black guy.

Jeb Bush has lost 40 pounds over the last 6 months. Jeb lost the weight with a new diet where he no longer feeds off his brother’s legacy.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 2, 2015!

During a speech on Tuesday, President Obama said that he’s looking forward to life after his presidency. Though he will miss all that golf.

Donald Trump said if he’s elected he’d love to have Sarah Palin in his cabinet. However, Trump said he’d only do so if it was first approved by Vice-President Dennis Rodman.

Walter Palmer, the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, Africa has apologized. However, he still hasn’t apologized for the dentist office playing nothing but Kenny G.