The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 30, 2015!

Marco Rubio said in an interview Wednesday that even though he’s a first-term senator in his 40’s who’s running for president, he’s not like Barack Obama. For one thing, Barack Obama actually had a chance to win.

A Donald Trump fan yelled out “White Power” during a political rally in Mobile, Alabama. Commented another rally goer: “Redundant!”

George Zimmerman tweeted that he thinks President Obama is a racist. In other words, Zimmerman is a fan.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 23, 2015!

While campaigning in Iowa Monday, Marco Rubio threw a football and hit a four-year-old boy on the forehead. It’s the first time Marco Rubio has connected with anyone on the campaign trail.

A teenager who goes by the name Deez Nuts is running for president. His running mate: Heywood Jablome.

NBCUniversal is investing 200 million dollars in BuzzFeed. What happens next will disappoint you!

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 16, 2015!

Donald Trump will report for jury duty tomorrow in New York City. So good luck getting out of that parking ticket, Megyn Kelly.

Los Angeles is the frontrunner to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. If chosen, athletes will compete to win a bronze, silver, or kale medal.

A new discovery reveals that William Shakespeare may have enjoyed smoking marijuana. Which explains his unpublished play, Much Ado About Rastafari. (more…)

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 9, 2015!

On Thursday, ten Republican presidential candidates debated on Fox News. And the winner of the debate, naturally, was Hillary Clinton.

According to a new poll, most Republican voters would like a different format than the one used for this week’s debate. Republicans’ biggest complaint: too many black guy.

Jeb Bush has lost 40 pounds over the last 6 months. Jeb lost the weight with a new diet where he no longer feeds off his brother’s legacy.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 2, 2015!

During a speech on Tuesday, President Obama said that he’s looking forward to life after his presidency. Though he will miss all that golf.

Donald Trump said if he’s elected he’d love to have Sarah Palin in his cabinet. However, Trump said he’d only do so if it was first approved by Vice-President Dennis Rodman.

Walter Palmer, the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, Africa has apologized. However, he still hasn’t apologized for the dentist office playing nothing but Kenny G.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 26, 2015!

On Thursday NASA announced that it had discovered a planet described as “Earth’s bigger, older cousin.” Which explains why Earth’s mom keeps nagging Earth about when he’s going to become a doctor.

During a campaign rally, Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham’s personal cell phone number. Fortunately for Graham, no one was able to get through because he has Sprint.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are divorcing. Which is sad news for country music fans, but great news for Adam Levine.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 19, 2015!

President Obama said on Wednesday that there isn’t a way to revoke Bill Cosby’s Presidential Medal of Freedom. However, they can still drug Cosby and take away the medal in his sleep.

Mexican druglord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s escape from prison was caught on surveillance video. If you haven’t seen footage of the prison escape, you can catch it every day for the rest of your life on TNT.

George H.W. Bush is recovering after falling and breaking a bone in his neck. However, the biggest pains in his neck are still his sons.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, July 12, 2015!

South Carolina took the Confederate flag down from its state capitol Friday. Residents are excited that the state is finally moving into the 19th century.

Voters in Greece rejected terms of the latest bailout as the nation’s financial cracks worsened. Greeks say this is the one crack they would not get behind.

Mitt Romney hosted a sleepover for Chris Christie and Marco Rubio over the 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately, the weekend didn’t end well for Rubio after Christie called top bunk.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 28, 2015!

The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that gay marriage is legal in the United States. However, still no word on when it will be legal for straight people to get gay married.

While discussing racism on Marc Maron’s podcast, President Obama used the N-word. It marked the first time Tea Partiers liked something said by Obama.

According to a new poll about presidential candidates, 55 percent of Republican voters won’t support Chris Christie. Also not supporting Christie: 100 percent of Republican chairs.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending June 21, 2015!

Jeb Bush announced Monday that he’s running for president, saying that he knows how to fix the country. And if he’s anything like his brother, he knows even better how to break it.

In his statement on climate change, Pope Francis said that the earth “is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” “Way ahead of you” replied New Jersey.

North Korea claims that it has found a cure for Ebola, SARS and AIDS. That cure: dying of starvation.